Identity
Someone who is asexual, or ace, experiences limited, conditional, or no sexual attraction. Just like lesbian, gay, bisexual, or pansexual, it is a sexual orientation.
Asexuality is not the same as celibacy. Celibacy is a voluntary abstinence from sex, and people who are celibate may still experience sexual attraction. On the other hand, asexuality is an orientation, not a choice. Asexual people may still choose to engage in sexual behaviors.
There are various reasons ace people may choose to engage in sexual behavior. Before understanding why someone might engage in sexual activity it's important to clarify the meaning of 3 different concepts: libido, sexual desire, and sexual attraction. Sexual attraction simply refers to finding someone sexually appealing. Libido is defined as someone's sexual drive, which could depend on bio-psico-social factors; while sexual desire is, namely, the desire or wish to have sex, which could arise for different reasons. Some examples of why an asexual person may want to have sex are to satisfy their libido, to have children, to make their partner happy, or to experience the physical pleasure of sex.
Different people in the asexual community may have different views on sex. Some may be willing to engage in it, some may feel neutral about it, some may feel repulsed by it, and others may have opinions falling anywhere in between!
Asexual people can have fulfilling relationships. Fulfilling platonic relationships can come in the form of friendships, familial relationships, and queerplatonic relationships, which are close committed relationships that do not involve romance.
Additionally, some asexual people experience romantic attraction and some do not. The split-attraction model suggests that sexual attraction and romantic attraction are separate and may or may not align. The term originated from asexual and aromantic communities, but can be applied to any orientation. Aromantic people experience limited, conditional, or no romantic attraction.
Romantic relationships between ace people and allosexual people - people who do experience sexual attraction - are possible and can be fulfilling, as long as the individuals involved communicate and understand each other’s boundaries.
No! There are many types of attraction. Besides sexual attraction and romantic attraction - the desire to have a romantic relationship with a person - there are also aesthetic, sensual, platonic, emotional, and many more types of attractions.
Aesthetic attraction is the admiration of a person’s appearance.
Sensual attraction is a desire to touch or receive touch, but not necessarily sexually.
Platonic attraction refers to a nonsexual and nonromantic desire to be in a relationship with someone.
Emotional attraction refers to a desire to be emotionally present with another person.
Furthermore, sexual attraction is not black or white. Asexuality is a spectrum. While some may feel no sexual attraction at all, others might feel a limited amount or may experience it under particular circumstances. Someone who is demisexual experiences sexual attraction toward a person after forming a strong emotional bond with them. Someone who is grey-asexual, also referred to as grey-ace or grey-A, identifies somewhere on the spectrum between allosexual and asexual.
DON’T say “You just haven’t found the right person yet!” While sexuality is fluid, a person's identity is not dependent upon their experiences, behavior, or the people in their life.
DON’T say “How can you leave your partner so unsatisfied?” Someone being asexual does not automatically mean their partner, if they have one, will be unsatisfied. Sex and love are not inextricably intertwined; love can exist without sex, and sex can exist without love.
DON’T say “Why would you choose that?” or “Please put in a bit more effort.” Asexuality, like all other sexualities, is not a choice. Furthermore, this question implies that it’s bad to be asexual and that the person’s orientation is wrong.
DON’T say “Sex is one of life’s highest pleasures, it’s a shame you won’t experience it.” or “You’re missing out!” There are other pleasures in life that are not sexual, and asexual people shouldn’t be made to feel like their life experiences will be lacking if they do not have sex.
DO respect your peers’ decision to come out or not. No one owes anyone else intimate details about their life. If someone decides to keep their orientation private, whether that’s overall or in only certain areas of their life, it’s important to respect that decision.
DO believe people when they say they’re ace. Coming out can be cathartic, and you can support your ace peers by affirming their identities and acknowledging that sex is not necessary for living a fulfilling life.
DO familiarize yourself with the split-attraction model. Knowing that someone is asexual doesn’t automatically mean you know their romantic orientation. Some asexual people experience romantic attraction, and some don’t. And this model can be applied to anyone, not only asexual or aromantic people.
DO continue to educate yourself and others about the stigma asexual people face. Spreading awareness and calling out ace-erasure and acephobia can have a big impact on making asexual people feel safe and reducing stigma.
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