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Voices
I would like people to consider whether our criticism is best levelled at pornography itself, or the whole way that our society understands gender, sex, and sexuality which it represents. With so many people regularly visiting internet pornography websites, it needn’t be seen as a personal attack on your relationship or a suggestion that your sexual behavior is lacking in some way. It all depends on the person and what they get from it.
Erotic honesty fosters a greater ability to have positive conflict resolution. It’s important to remember that we all have a right to solo sex and that we will likely have some sexual fantasies that don’t involve our partner(s). In relationships we often don’t share absolutely everything about our sexuality with partner(s). It can be incredibly difficult when we suddenly become aware of something that we didn’t already know. This can leave us with all kinds of questions feeling pretty exposed and vulnerable so I believe it's important for us to create open and honest conversations around our relationships to porn and to masturbation. There was a study in 2018 by Maas et al shows when men are more accepting of pornography they report higher relationship satisfaction. Many of the contemporary research studies correlate that shaming men for watching porn may be what creates relational conflict rather than the pornography itself.
It’s important to remember that in all relationships we’re likely to have some areas of sexual compatibility and some aspects of our sexuality that we don’t share in common. In long term relationships people often find over time, there are some things they feel comfortable doing with partner(S) and some they don’t. Sex advice often tells us that we should do all of the things that turn us on with only our partner(s), it very rarely discusses the importance of a solo sexuality for ourselves too. Most people can find doing everything with their partner(s) difficult and have some things they enjoy fantasizing about which they don’t feel comfortable doing with the person they spend their everyday lives with and that's ok.
Often due to poor sex education and the amount of media misinformation out there on porn many people can feel “bad" if we realize our partner gets off watching something that we’re not into ourselves. It can sometimes cause people to worry about being undesirable or losing the relationship. This is often a fear and not always the reality so I always recommend having an open conversation. Also the things our partner may be watching and is into can often change over time. So it could well be that our partner being into this particular thing is no issue for our relationship.
A more simpler way of looking at it is one person enjoys being a meat eater and is happy with their choice and derives pleasure from eating it. They then meet a devout vegan who holds strong beliefs around the negative impact on animals and environment, that meat eaters are inherently “bad”. When it comes to them being in a relationship with one another, the meat eater may choose not to say they eat meat or even offer to give it up so they can be with their partner but in actual fact they didn’t really want to give it up they just do it in fear of losing the other. This is a case of not being authentic to themselves. Over time they may miss the pleasure they got from eating meat and then they have to eat it in secret and/or they then get caught by their partner and then they are blamed and bring in trust issues and dishonesty.
Rather than things being good or bad, I invite people to look at what “is". Recent research has looked at the impact of a partner's negative association with porn in relationships. More recent studies show us when porn is a problem for a partner and they don't allow their partner to use it when their partner enjoys it, this can actually exasperate levels of secrecy. Due to having to conceal it, this secrecy can increase feelings of distrust when a discovery is made and ultimately lead to relationship disharmony. Many partners in general regardless of gender can fear porn because of insecurities. Often people can feel like they may not be able to compete with the porn actors and their looks etc. Many of us are socially conditioned to view ourselves through a patriarchal male gaze of being desirable in the eyes of a partner. When a partner looks at porn it can cause them to question their own desirability. Similarly some men can feel threatened when a woman uses sex toys and has fear around the size of it compared to their penis. However, this is rather limited in its approach and ignores that some people enjoy fantasy and do not want to act it out in real life.
It can be particularly shocking if we see our partner is into something that we actually regard as unethical or problematic. i invite readers to reflect a bit on whether we are shocked by what we saw (i.e. it wasn’t our thing and we're freaked out to find out that its their thing), or there may be something unethical about what sort of porn they consume at (e.g. it was videos taken without someone’s consent or images featuring underage people). Again it’s worth being sure on this one because many sites include people role-playing being younger than they are, for example. If a partner is into something unethical then it’d be worth thinking about where our limits are around this, and seeking some professional help from a certified relationship therapist or coach may be helpful to navigate this difficult territory.
The question for many is “Am I cheating on my partner if I watch porn? It’s super important to have conversations with a partner about what cheating is for you. Some relationships may consider porn a natural human experience, whilst others believe it's a form of cheating when in a committed relationship. Is watching porn cheating in a monogamous relationship? What does it mean to be betrayed? If you have agreed that watching porn is cheating, then it might be the case that it would be defined as a betrayal within that relationship. Under these terms, porn can be considered cheating in both open relationships and monogamous relationships. However, research shows that 71% of men and 56% of women think it's acceptable to watch porn in a relationship — so it depends on how you and your partner feel about it. I welcome more studies inclusive on non-binary and trans folk experiences on this.
This is down to the individual and to the people in the relationship to decide. Each relationship will have their agreements, which are not fixed and can change overtime. I would invite readers to ask themselves if they enjoy porn? That's always a good place to start. To takeaway this is not a one size fits all…what works for some people might not for everyone else and that’s ok. There are studies that show couples who engage in watching porn together report having healthier sex lives together. We may find that some degree of sharing our fantasies or porn can be an exciting thing to bring into our sex life together, or that each of you having some separate solo sexy times can enhance what we do together. We might want to put some firmer boundaries around what you do and don’t do together. One of the sexual health principles is shared values. If people have completely different values on porn, we may need to look for another partner or question what it would be like to be in a relationship with them when we are talking about porn in dating. It's exactly the same as when we meet someone with very opposing political or religious views or someone who hates the music we like. This is about us feeling like we have freedom in our relationship. Porn can be a fantastic tool to understand each other better and provide a great way to connect. It can help us flex our creativity sides and inspire experiences that partners may not have considered. Porn is not a substitute for a healthy sex life with your partner(s)If porn is used as a tool to escape the relationship and intimacy, it might be important to have a conversation as to why this might be an issue. A high sex drive may increase your porn use, but it should not affect how you feel about sex with your partner(s).
Lots of people use the word ‘addiction’ when we talk about porn and sex. Research shows that people watching porn too much isn’t like an actual addiction. There are many people who are really worried about their relationship to porn and sex. I’m not trying to make it sound less difficult, I’m just saying it’s different to an addiction. A better term for what someone might be experiencing is compulsive sexual behavior. There are several reasons why this is important. First of all, treatments for addiction don’t work for porn or sex ‘addiction’
However some people and clinics use the word addiction to their advantage to try to sell their treatment programmes to people who are really vulnerable and feel like they have no-one to talk to. From clinical experience porn consumption is usually an issue when it has become compulsive. When it's a problem in relationships, it’s often more down to the relationship itself and stems from the honesty/transparency surrounding the relationships agreements around porn use in the first place. This is a key takeaway! Many people are afraid to talk about their use of porn when first going into a relationship due to fear they may lose their partner because of their partner's negative association. This means they can sometimes agree to not use it or even conceal it but when a discovery is made this can cause relational distress and lack of trust between them. I would always invite erotic honesty from the outset. If a partner is uncomfortable with it, I would really look at your relationship to it and what it means to us. I invite people to open more nuanced conversations to hear and understand each other's concerns whilst also discussing our relationship to it and maybe reassuring them where they may need some clarity.
By communicating with our partner(s), it's easier to escape the negative effects of porn and encourage a healthier attitude towards its place in your relationship.Privacy in a relationship is important, but porn, or looking at pornography, shouldn’t be a secret. Discussing porn with your partner shouldn’t be taboo or uncomfortable, I recommend approaching it as you would any other conversation in your relationships — with honesty and respect. It’s important not to judge and shame people for their sexual preferences, we are all unique and have different desires and fantasies. Create time and space for discussions to be had in an environment that feels safe and comfortable. While your partner(s)may not be comfortable discussing the details of their porn usage, it's not great for it to be a complete mystery. Having an open dialogue about what porn means to you and how you experience it can help deepen understanding.
· You are always late at work because you were unable to stop watching porn and get ready to go to work on time.
· You don’t turn up to work and call in sick because you would rather continue watching porn.
· You constantly avoid social occasions with friends because you prefer spending time with porn.
· You organize your day schedule so that you can be alone at home to watch porn.
· Porn is your primary way to cope with your emotions: you use porn when you feel sad, bored, anxious, stressed, happy, uncertain.
· You constantly prefer to watch porn rather than have sex with your partner to the point where you feel uncomfortable having sex with your partner.
· You feel irritated if your partner’s presence prevents you from watching porn.
· You injure your penis or vulva because you have masturbated for too long or too hard.
· You develop anxiety about your sexual experiencing with our partner
· You develop anxiety about the shape of your body, the size of your penis, the way your vulva looks compared to those in porn
· You are unable to stop despite significant negative consequences as a direct result of your porn use.
Rather than “limit” which operates from a scarcity mindset of taking away and is restrictive. This approach does not factor in what a person may enjoy. Many people can enjoy porn and I think we sometimes overlook this. My professional opinion is restrictive addiction recovery is not effective to treat problematic porn use. My treatment approach is based on specialist psychosexual training and experience, clinical research on human sexuality, clinical evidence on brain functions and neural pathways, and human psychology.
My treatment model of problematic use of porn includes a behavioral approach to help identify the levels of porn use and masturbation that is wanted from what is unwanted. I would help a client learn new ways to self-soothe and cope with the negative feelings about life: stress, anxiety, feeling low, feeling bored, feeling unfulfilled, feeling bad. This would involve a deeper exploration of a person's sexual and erotic landscape and looking more thoroughly at a person's emotional world and core beliefs. I’d examine cognitive processes. Reinstating balance in life: hobbies, positive connections with friends and loved ones, a deep sense of self, finding meaning, higher self-esteem.
Healing the possible trauma(s) underlying the roots of problematic porn use. Healing the romantic and sexual relationship which may have been neglected.If appropriate, re-integrating porn use into a vibrant, diverse and fulfilling sexuality with self and others. Are there ways that we can be a bit easier on ourselves? Instead of being very black and white about it (not wanking = good, wanking = bad) perhaps we could try and find a middle ground. If our goal is to reduce the amount of times we masturbate, remember that every time we don’t wank we’re achieving more of our goals. Maybe if we set goals which allow us a bit of wanking time but which also makes sure that we have time for our partners, family, friends, hobbies we might be a bit happier? I ask clients to consider what else is going on in their lives? I like to explore with clients to think about their lives generally.
